Close family members can also be involved in counselling during the transition process. After all, it is not only the trans person who goes into transition, but the entire family. Partners may need support for their own emotions, and if the trans person has children, it is strongly recommended to involve them. Parents or guardians of (especially young) trans people might also be asking a lot of questions when their child starts showing gender nonconforming behaviour or verbalising a gender identity different than the expected one.

Children of trans persons

Children easily sense that a parent is struggling with something. For example, they feel tension in the family or pick up on a discreet phone conversation, but often do not actively ask what is going on. That is why it is important to inform a child at the right time. Trans parents often search for the right way and time to inform their children. Children also process information differently depending on age. When children are informed what is going on with their parents, this can give rise to a lot of questions. It is very important that these are also listened and attended to.

Research shows that the transition of a parent does not in itself have any adverse consequences on the child (Dierckx et al., 2015). However, if both parents are not (yet) on the same page about one of them being transgender, the child can become embroiled in loyalty conflicts. These types of conflicts may have a detrimental effect on the further development of the child.

Partners

A partner can find out that their partner is trans in different ways and times during the relationship, for example at the start of the relationship or after a number of years. The news can also be received in several ways. With some partners it comes as a shock, with others it leads to feelings of relief. It is frequently a complicated period of time within a relationship. As with many major revelations in relationships, if the partner only hears something after years together, it is more likely that it will come as a shock. Sometimes, it can be difficult for a partner to know what to think upon receiving major news like this. In these cases, being a partner of someone who discloses they are trans can be challenging (Israel, 2005).

For others, even after a long time together, the revelation that their partner is trans can be welcomed, as it can help explain something that they have not been able to identify within the relationship. Partners can also enjoy and celebrate this news as it may bring relief, liberation and happiness to the trans person and to them too.

“What does it mean that you are transgender?” “How long have you been feeling this way?” “Why didn’t you tell us before?” “Is this going to go away again?” – are just a few of the many questions people may ask. When the trans person has been showing signs of an emotional struggle for a long time, their coming out can lead to a sense of relief or peace for their partner, finally having an answer to what has been wrong. Once it is discussed, the trans person is calmer, and the partner can focus more on emotional stability and support.

The partner of a trans person can experience many different emotional responses:

  • Disbelief: because people never expected this from a partner they thought they knew well.
  • Deceived: because people are asked why they were not informed of this before.
  • Feeling lost: there is absolutely no control over the matter. “How will this evolve?” “What does it lead to?”
  • Fear: does this mean the end of the relationship?
  • Shame: people fear what others will say about the situation.
  • Guilt: “What have I done wrong that it led to this?”
  • Loss of self-confidence: am I no longer woman/man enough?
  • Anger: “Why did this happen to us?”
  • Confusion: “Does continuing in this relationship make me gay/straight now?”
  • Overlooked: they feel their feelings don’t matter and are not given enough attention or their concerns not heard.
  • Relief: “this answers so many questions that I’ve had”
  • Joy: seeing their partner suffer and finally knowing that the suffering might end can be a very positive experience.
  • Curiosity: a partner can be very curious about what the thought process or feelings of the trans person are like; sometimes this can be difficult for the trans partner to explain or put into words.
  • Worry: partners know, as do many people, that being trans is difficult and can be dangerous; some partners will become worried about the safety of their trans partner.

Partners who decide to remain together during a transition sometimes have to learn to live with uncertainty: they are presently together, but might not know what the future will bring as the transition progresses. It can feel as though their relationship is being tested. Partners of trans people need to feel that their emotions and their pace are considered and respected, while maintaining open communication; these two aspects can have a positive influence on the relationship. Partners often also struggle with the new social label. They can be forced by the outside world into being newly perceived as gay, lesbian or straight, without them defining themselves in that way. For these reasons, it’s encouraged that partners of trans people be offered support as well, so that they have a private space to process their feelings about the transition.

Sometimes partners experience such strong negative emotions that this might lead to their decision to end the relationship. They might not be able to come to terms with losing the man or woman they loved, and/or might prefer to have a male or female romantic and sexual partner (Israel, 2005; White & Ettner, 2004). Effective and timely support for partners can increase the likelihood that the couple stay together throughout and beyond the transition (Dierckx et al., 2019).

During counselling sessions with partners, it is important to acknowledge their feelings and let them speak from their perspective in the transition. During the transition, partners often take on the supportive and caring role and push their own feelings into the background. Role conflict between their romantic partner role, their co-parental role and ally role may influence the acceptance and adaptation process of the partner and steer certain relationship outcomes (Dierckx et al., 2019). Sometimes they feel that their partner is well supported and encouraged for coming out, whereas their own feelings of confusion, sadness or grief are neglected or not accepted by others. In addition to couples’ therapy, individual therapy for the partner should be available if desired.

A parent and their trans son holding hands on a couch
Photo: The Gender Spectrum Collection

Parents

Gender non-conforming behaviour is a part of the development phase of children and gender variant behaviour does not automatically lead to being transgender. Parents might be informed or become aware about their child expressing gender non-conforming behaviour or being transgender at any age, and their reactions and possible need for support will differ according to the age of their child and their own processes as a parent.

Parents of very young children sometimes might not know how to react if their child exhibits gender-variant behaviour and/or feelings. They do not know whether they should just let the child be, or should prohibit it, and when they or their child would benefit from the aid of a counsellor. For very young children, it is recommended neither to ignore nor steer the gender variant behaviour of the child, but to acknowledge it, and not forbid it. Practice has shown that when parents prohibit gender non-conforming behaviour, such as which clothes they wear, toys they play with, or activities they pursue for example, this behaviour can disappear openly, but that the desire usually remains, which can lead to worsening mental health outcomes. Children who feel they must hide or repress part of themselves can experience anxiety, depression, loss of self-esteem, and act out as a result. On the other hand, the mental health of trans children who are supported in their identities does not differ significantly from their cis gender peers (Olson et al, 2016). Family support is crucial in the mental health outcome​s of young people. Home should be a safe space where the child is able to live freely and experience the full support of their parents and siblings.

Parents might benefit from peer support or counseling in dealing with possible social negative reactions towards their child. For school aged children with gender variant or non-conforming behaviour, parents might encounter negative reactions from their own environment or from teachers. Parents might need support in dealing with these emotions and these experiences. At school, a role reversal may not be immediately advisable or may require some planning, depending on the levels of support and the age of the child. The best interest of the child must be paramount in these decisions. Parents may consider speaking with their school principal or guidance counselor to better understand the school environment for their child. In State Schools the Trans, Gender Variant & Intersex Students in School Policy​ applies and while this also provides guidance to Church and Independent Schools they are not strictly bound to follow it. The policy lays out the procedures that schools should follow in supporting a student who is transitioning. This may include protecting the privacy of the child who is already living in their social role and who enters a new school setting.

Parents might benefit from the support of a counsellor in dealing with their own emotions, negative reactions from their environment, their own processes of grief and sadness, reactions from siblings and other family members, worries about the future and wellbeing of their child. Parents might also experience differences within their partnership(s) in how they deal with the situation of their child.

Siblings may also differ in how they deal with the situation. They can feel that their needs are less important or that they need to make a special effort to ease the burden on their parent/s. They might also feel shame about being associated with their trans sibling or be bullied or intervene to protect their trans sibling from being bullied. It is therefore important to ensure that siblings of trans children received the necessary attention and support throughout the transition process.

Parents can seek support from the Gender Wellbeing Clinic​, the MGRM’s Rainbow Support Services​ and for those who would like to talk to other parents of gender variant children the Rainbow Family Network and Drachma Parents​.

References:

  • Dierckx, M., Mortelmans, D., & Motmans, J. (2019). Role Ambiguity and Role Conflict Among Partners of Trans People. Journal of Family Issues, 40(1), 85-110. doi:10.1177/0192513×18800362
  • Dierckx, M., Mortelmans, D., Motmans, T’Sjoen, G. (2015). Families in transition. The influence of a transgender parent on the general well-being of the child. Support Center for Equal Opportunities Policy, UAntwerpen, UGent.​
  • Israel, G. E. (2005). Translove. Journal of GLBT Family Studies, 1, 53-67. doi:10.1300/J461v01n01_05
  • White, T., Ettner, R. (2004). Disclosure, risks and protective factors for children whose parents are undergoing a gender transition. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Psychotherapy, 8, 129-145. doi:10.1300/J236v08n01_10